First Love Condition(s)

After 1 year, 6 months, and 24 days of being in a solid relationship with a man I have slowly introduced myself to my own person first love condition(s). This man is not perfect, he has his shortcomings as do I and that's what makes us great. The fact that in many ways we are polar opposites is what keeps us interesting.

Last night I was doing a little cleaning, as I have occasion to do, and I came across some calligraphy I wrote my junior year of high school. Now to some this jumble of lines may mean nothing but in translation it means 'to not be lustful'. I drew this before I met this man in the hopes that I would not look at men like something to eat but in this day and age when sex has been an accelerated form of enter-tisment what else is an impressionable young woman to do?

So who are my objects of lust other than this man that I love so much and why is this such a problem? Well to answer the second part, I honestly believe that this is normal for all people because we humans can be quite observant. Nevertheless, to look at the opposite sex like an object of lust, like so much meat that you just want to tear into and have your way with can be slightly excessive. But that's just me. In all actuality I do not peruse men for the fun of it, it's just in our nature to be attracted to other people whether it be because of their personality, congeniality, or what have you. In the end it's always about something that we get from that other person. As for specifying my objects of lust - well let's just say I have strong leanings toward the fictional, fantastical, and those on the other end of the color spectrum from me. For instance, Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman) of the True Blood series has definitely caught my eye. This great hunk of Slavic muscle is an amazing actor and I have yet to find reason not to like him. Even so, this is a man I could never have, like I said before I lean towards the fantastical - meaning those that I can fantasize about but cannot have. Simple as that.

On the other hand, I look at women as well. This is purely an objective view I take because for those who know me well know that me and other girls occasionally equals train wreck. Through opposing personalities or just things that I do not like about them makes us incompatible. But much of that incompatibility comes from our differences and my insecurities. When I am with this man I notice women - how they walk, how they appear, how they look at us, how they look at him. I see what I am not, I see it in them and I wonder why he feels the way he does about me. Why does he say those three magic words? Why does looking at me put a smile on his face? Why has he returned the feelings that have always been mine and only mine?

I ask myself questions like this all the time but it all comes down to one thing - my first love condition(s). No matter what is said and done the pitfalls in our lives are always going to be noticed but it is up to us to say whether they matter or not, whether they will dictate how our lives are run or not.

Never once in my 18 years of life did I ever imagine that I would have someone tell me that I am beautiful and mean it. Never could I predict that I would have a love of the ages with someone who really cared about me. Never did I dream that this would be my life and that I could actually live such a fulfilled existence. I will do everything in my power to protect this, by any means necessary. I hope that everyone can find this for themselves and if this is a fools wish from a fool who is head-over-heels in love and everything that I have said here comes back to haunt me and throw an enormous chip on my shoulders than so be it. It's just as I said, I am living it now and no one can take that away from me.

The Separation Game

It appears in the world of all things frustrating the nameless has decided that it is time to separate their belongings from the rest of ours. What they neglect to realize is that they obviously didn't really understand the meaning of the word. IF there were truly a distinction between the nameless's things and ours then the nameless would not even be continuing to squat in our home.

That brings us to another word that the nameless knows absolutely nothing about - ownership. In claiming ownership of a thing or an idea one takes pride in that particular article or notion. But when one owns nothing or refuses to own up to anything therein lies a problem, for when one cannot find it within themselves to be honest with themselves it completely defeats the purpose of ownership.

To say the least, this reminds me of the things that I do not always take ownership of - for instance, my tendency to always be annoying. Many of my friends have taken it upon themselves to alert me of my misdeeds and I greatly appreciate them for that. In making this transition from high school to college I know that there is no place for the way I once presented myself. We all have met or will meet this stage in our lives when the way we used to be can no longer have a place in our conduct. Growing up is not always the easiest thing to go through, nevertheless, it is a right of passage to modify the way we interact with other people and that begins with taking ownership of the way act.

In all honesty, it is up to us to discover those things about ourselves that we do not own up to and make up for them, to change the way people perceive us for the better. People will only know the real you if you show them who that is.

After Careful Consideration . . .

I realized that in my haste to create this blog (first post, yippie) all the things I have seen and heard about people who do things like this nowadays are true and it is important to know that it creeps up on us in the future to give us a swift kick in the ass. Certainly, I will deserve it when the time comes and I hope to keep this as moderate a rant as possible on all occasions.

I recently had another falling out with someone who will not be named (try to incriminate myself now!) and I know now that I am finally done. I'm done with the nameless lying to themselves, I am done with having to just deal with the nameless's tendency to be selfish and ungrateful in the face of such kindness and unwarranted giving. My only hope in writing this is to encourage myself not to become like the nameless and to explore the faults that lie within the nameless. Hopefully, in examining the downfalls of the nameless's personality I will unearth the things that people dislike most about me and learn from past mistakes. In taking my personal edification and enlightenment into my own hands I will become the kind of adult my grandmother will be proud of.

That being said, I would also hope that those of you who decide that my blog is worth reading will encourage me and yourselves to be better people. In all seriousness I will try my best to make this blog as entertaining yet educational as possible. Thank you for your time and remember to always give yourself a chance to respond honestly after careful consideration.