After 1 year, 6 months, and 24 days of being in a solid relationship with a man I have slowly introduced myself to my own person first love condition(s). This man is not perfect, he has his shortcomings as do I and that's what makes us great. The fact that in many ways we are polar opposites is what keeps us interesting.
Last night I was doing a little cleaning, as I have occasion to do, and I came across some calligraphy I wrote my junior year of high school. Now to some this jumble of lines may mean nothing but in translation it means 'to not be lustful'. I drew this before I met this man in the hopes that I would not look at men like something to eat but in this day and age when sex has been an accelerated form of enter-tisment what else is an impressionable young woman to do?
So who are my objects of lust other than this man that I love so much and why is this such a problem? Well to answer the second part, I honestly believe that this is normal for all people because we humans can be quite observant. Nevertheless, to look at the opposite sex like an object of lust, like so much meat that you just want to tear into and have your way with can be slightly excessive. But that's just me. In all actuality I do not peruse men for the fun of it, it's just in our nature to be attracted to other people whether it be because of their personality, congeniality, or what have you. In the end it's always about something that we get from that other person. As for specifying my objects of lust - well let's just say I have strong leanings toward the fictional, fantastical, and those on the other end of the color spectrum from me. For instance, Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman) of the True Blood series has definitely caught my eye. This great hunk of Slavic muscle is an amazing actor and I have yet to find reason not to like him. Even so, this is a man I could never have, like I said before I lean towards the fantastical - meaning those that I can fantasize about but cannot have. Simple as that.
On the other hand, I look at women as well. This is purely an objective view I take because for those who know me well know that me and other girls occasionally equals train wreck. Through opposing personalities or just things that I do not like about them makes us incompatible. But much of that incompatibility comes from our differences and my insecurities. When I am with this man I notice women - how they walk, how they appear, how they look at us, how they look at him. I see what I am not, I see it in them and I wonder why he feels the way he does about me. Why does he say those three magic words? Why does looking at me put a smile on his face? Why has he returned the feelings that have always been mine and only mine?
I ask myself questions like this all the time but it all comes down to one thing - my first love condition(s). No matter what is said and done the pitfalls in our lives are always going to be noticed but it is up to us to say whether they matter or not, whether they will dictate how our lives are run or not.
Never once in my 18 years of life did I ever imagine that I would have someone tell me that I am beautiful and mean it. Never could I predict that I would have a love of the ages with someone who really cared about me. Never did I dream that this would be my life and that I could actually live such a fulfilled existence. I will do everything in my power to protect this, by any means necessary. I hope that everyone can find this for themselves and if this is a fools wish from a fool who is head-over-heels in love and everything that I have said here comes back to haunt me and throw an enormous chip on my shoulders than so be it. It's just as I said, I am living it now and no one can take that away from me.
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