Neglect and Niggardly Notions

Here I am once again, reduced to ranting about things that a person in my stage of life should not have to, it has certainly been a while and I definitely need to whet my whistle.

I cannot understand why it is that a person could be so irresponsible and disrespectful of the needs of others. Given the opportunity to do good for someone else they turn their backs and act as if the act itself is beneath them, too hard for them to handle, or even beyond their reach. Ever hear the saying a little goes a long way? Even if they try to do a little, their minor contribution is much smaller than what they could potentially handle.

So why is their "help" such a necessity? Oh, only because the person that they should be assisting has been there for them from the cradle and, if their own wasn't so close to calling them, all the way to the grave. They have bent over backwards and literally killed themselves for others all of their lives and what do they get in return? A measly sum when it seems appropriate to give it? No, it is taking care of their poor progeny for no pay. Wrong again, it is living in the same horribly small dwelling for so long without helping with the rent. False, it is having to deal with the incessant BS that spews from their entire being.

Either way you look at it it is one big inextricable mess, a bubbling cesspool of idiocy.

And the scariest thing is . . .

Listen closely . . .

I have to whisper this . . .

THERE IS MORE THAN ONE OF THEM CAUSING THE TROUBLE!!!!!

Each and every one has their own scheme, their own way of making things so much harder than they already are. What's more, each and every one claims to be some form of adult and that it is their age that gives them to right to do what they wish.

Well now let us think about this logically:

Traditionally, one reaches adulthood once they have "left the nest" and assumed the responsibilities of an indepedent person. An independent person works to become financially/ mentally/physically/socially stable throughout their lives until they increase in age. As a person ages it is said that they also increase in the sophistication of their abilities. This heightened sophistication is a sign of their maturity.

Thus, (Age) f(x) = level of sophistication/"maturity".

Hmmmm, I'm already seeing discrepancies here:
1. Few are actually independent - those that are have yet to have reached any plateau of reasonable stability in any way, shape or form. While they have learned to do many things on their own for themselves they still have miles to go before they can be deemed mature.
2. Then there are those who have yet to meet the qualifications of independence - way to mess up the entire equation!!! You effectively cannot even complete the rest of the aforementioned statement!!!

I just cannot fathom the lack of propriety, the inherent disregard for the feelings of others. And yet they feel as if it is okay to take and take and take and believe me they do not discriminate on what it is they choose to take. They will take time, money, shelter, confidence, health, love . . . life. Just plain greedy.

I cannot live this way! I absolutely wholeheartedly refuse and if I renig end my miserable existence. That being said, it is all well and good for me to say that I will not carry on this way but it leaves a very important thing to be desired - what can I possibly hope to do about that in regards to the others?

How in the world can I affect change in lives that are so far gone that they cannot possibly revert to more suitable situations?

Is it even possible for someone like me, barely out of my first year of college and slowly on the way to achieving that long sought after independence, to do my part, to pay my dues as I feel all younger generations should do for those who paved the way for them?

I owe so much to this person, this saint. I could have ended up going down any road, good or bad, but God saw fit to put me in her care going down a better path than I could have forged on my own. If I learned anything at all this school year I know that in some ways one traditional Chinese value is correct - we do owe our parents our lives and, by extension, we owe our lives to those who have had a positive influence on us. Filial Piety and what I am going to call Associative Piety is probably the best way to show those people that we care back, that everything they did for us was not in vain and by living productive and happy lives we can show them that the attention they gave to us was worth their time.

I earnestly hope to God that I can show that to that special someone soon someday, and even if they do not get to witness it in the flesh I know that they will always be there in spirit to see what their efforts have manifested in me. I will end the self-perpetuating cycle of irreverence.

Bitter:Sweet Sorrow

Upon first thinking of writing this blog on the day I moved into my dorm I was soon too occupied to have the time to write anything. And so, after having time to cool off and remove myself from the situation and look at it from another perspective, I found that while I still believe that leaving my family and friends behind for this temporary extended stay in Bufuland will and has been quite a trial it has only put me one step closer to adulthood and true independence.

It took a fun day at the beach with some of my most bosom buddies and my beloved for the feeling of imminent separation to finally hit me - and it hit like a ton of bricks. The tears flowed ceaselessly as I held him to me, clutching at him like someone would take him from me. I cried as if someone was dying and I did not care because I felt the way I did. Talk about an extreme case of separation anxiety. But in the end I knew it was all pointless, tears will not keep us any closer than we all already are. In his case I am reminded of a very insightful 90’s song by Donna Lewis:

“I love you always forever

Near or far, closer together

Everywhere I will be with you

Everything I will do for you . . .”

That is not a very demanding request to uphold and I will constantly be doing my best.

As for family and friends, well, as the saying goes – Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Even though I have been on the phone with my grandmother approximately 3 times since the move and texted my dear heart multiple times as well, I have made the necessary adjustments that allow me to function as a valuable member of society. I love them all and nothing will change that!

Within this slightly traumatic, life-changing experience there is a light; a message that can be gleaned from this occurrence that many of us will share – we are never alone. No matter the distance, a truly strong relationship will outlast the most devastating events. In keeping an open mind about the situation and remaining strong, one can clearly see the end of the dark tunnel to the bright side of everything.

I know words may not be enough to satisfy everyone who sees them as empty promises but honestly if you feel that way I have to say that you are a hopelessly pessimistic person and you will not survive with your glass-half-empty state of mind so snap out of it and jump back to reality. Parting may be such (bitter) sweet sorrow but when you look deeper you’ll realize that you will survive. Get used to it! :]

Stomach-Brain Connection

Upon feeling the rumblings of my famished stomach this morning I was reminded of a phrase from a 2005 commencement speech given by Steve Jobs - "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish". At first glance, one may find that the correlation between what my tummy wants and what my mind understands this phrase to mean is quite incompatible. On the contrary, the two have everything to do with one another.

The first of the two - my unfulfilled stomach - tells me that I need nourishment on a daily basis. It may not be at the same times everyday but I still must do my best to meet its needs. Now each day my tummy craves a variety of foods, whether they be truly healthy for my body or just a filler for the time being is a matter of taste. To be sure, it is my job to give my body exactly what it needs to grow and keep functioning correctly, thus, my stomach is happy and so is the rest of my body. Even so, my tummy is an insatiable entity, always requiring of me the better things in life, so my job is never done. I must always be at the ready to satiate this part of me, if only temporarily, before it moves on to wanting something new.

The second of the two - Steve Job's commencement phrase - tells me that true knowledge and the genuine desire to seek out that knowledge is a neverending life process. Everyday my brain craves stimulation and it is up to me to meet its needs. Now the mind is a little more of a sophisticated organ - transmitting, translating, and transferring information from it to the rest of my body. This lean, mean, thinkin' machine requires various forms of provocation be they good (reading a book) or not so good (watching TV), either way my brain may find in those activities the stuff of champions, some knowledge that was once a mystery to it before that moment. But, my work does not end here. No, this interesting piece of me has yet to reach fruition, there will always be something that it does not know. It is always wanting more and I must be willing and able to give it that little or lotta bit that it aspires to acquire. My mind will never stop having this inclination until I am senile or dead and even then I can still give it all I've got.

Together these two seemingly singular ideas can now be brought together to mean that in this life we are charged with the responsiblity of caring for ourselves, mind, body, and soul. Without the drive to be better and to want more from ourselves, how can we truly say that we belong to the human race - a race of creatures constantly adapting and transforming into something new?

So, in the words of Steve Jobs, whether your tummy is a-rumblin' or your mind is a-churnin' always remember to "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish".

First Love Condition(s)

After 1 year, 6 months, and 24 days of being in a solid relationship with a man I have slowly introduced myself to my own person first love condition(s). This man is not perfect, he has his shortcomings as do I and that's what makes us great. The fact that in many ways we are polar opposites is what keeps us interesting.

Last night I was doing a little cleaning, as I have occasion to do, and I came across some calligraphy I wrote my junior year of high school. Now to some this jumble of lines may mean nothing but in translation it means 'to not be lustful'. I drew this before I met this man in the hopes that I would not look at men like something to eat but in this day and age when sex has been an accelerated form of enter-tisment what else is an impressionable young woman to do?

So who are my objects of lust other than this man that I love so much and why is this such a problem? Well to answer the second part, I honestly believe that this is normal for all people because we humans can be quite observant. Nevertheless, to look at the opposite sex like an object of lust, like so much meat that you just want to tear into and have your way with can be slightly excessive. But that's just me. In all actuality I do not peruse men for the fun of it, it's just in our nature to be attracted to other people whether it be because of their personality, congeniality, or what have you. In the end it's always about something that we get from that other person. As for specifying my objects of lust - well let's just say I have strong leanings toward the fictional, fantastical, and those on the other end of the color spectrum from me. For instance, Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman) of the True Blood series has definitely caught my eye. This great hunk of Slavic muscle is an amazing actor and I have yet to find reason not to like him. Even so, this is a man I could never have, like I said before I lean towards the fantastical - meaning those that I can fantasize about but cannot have. Simple as that.

On the other hand, I look at women as well. This is purely an objective view I take because for those who know me well know that me and other girls occasionally equals train wreck. Through opposing personalities or just things that I do not like about them makes us incompatible. But much of that incompatibility comes from our differences and my insecurities. When I am with this man I notice women - how they walk, how they appear, how they look at us, how they look at him. I see what I am not, I see it in them and I wonder why he feels the way he does about me. Why does he say those three magic words? Why does looking at me put a smile on his face? Why has he returned the feelings that have always been mine and only mine?

I ask myself questions like this all the time but it all comes down to one thing - my first love condition(s). No matter what is said and done the pitfalls in our lives are always going to be noticed but it is up to us to say whether they matter or not, whether they will dictate how our lives are run or not.

Never once in my 18 years of life did I ever imagine that I would have someone tell me that I am beautiful and mean it. Never could I predict that I would have a love of the ages with someone who really cared about me. Never did I dream that this would be my life and that I could actually live such a fulfilled existence. I will do everything in my power to protect this, by any means necessary. I hope that everyone can find this for themselves and if this is a fools wish from a fool who is head-over-heels in love and everything that I have said here comes back to haunt me and throw an enormous chip on my shoulders than so be it. It's just as I said, I am living it now and no one can take that away from me.

The Separation Game

It appears in the world of all things frustrating the nameless has decided that it is time to separate their belongings from the rest of ours. What they neglect to realize is that they obviously didn't really understand the meaning of the word. IF there were truly a distinction between the nameless's things and ours then the nameless would not even be continuing to squat in our home.

That brings us to another word that the nameless knows absolutely nothing about - ownership. In claiming ownership of a thing or an idea one takes pride in that particular article or notion. But when one owns nothing or refuses to own up to anything therein lies a problem, for when one cannot find it within themselves to be honest with themselves it completely defeats the purpose of ownership.

To say the least, this reminds me of the things that I do not always take ownership of - for instance, my tendency to always be annoying. Many of my friends have taken it upon themselves to alert me of my misdeeds and I greatly appreciate them for that. In making this transition from high school to college I know that there is no place for the way I once presented myself. We all have met or will meet this stage in our lives when the way we used to be can no longer have a place in our conduct. Growing up is not always the easiest thing to go through, nevertheless, it is a right of passage to modify the way we interact with other people and that begins with taking ownership of the way act.

In all honesty, it is up to us to discover those things about ourselves that we do not own up to and make up for them, to change the way people perceive us for the better. People will only know the real you if you show them who that is.

After Careful Consideration . . .

I realized that in my haste to create this blog (first post, yippie) all the things I have seen and heard about people who do things like this nowadays are true and it is important to know that it creeps up on us in the future to give us a swift kick in the ass. Certainly, I will deserve it when the time comes and I hope to keep this as moderate a rant as possible on all occasions.

I recently had another falling out with someone who will not be named (try to incriminate myself now!) and I know now that I am finally done. I'm done with the nameless lying to themselves, I am done with having to just deal with the nameless's tendency to be selfish and ungrateful in the face of such kindness and unwarranted giving. My only hope in writing this is to encourage myself not to become like the nameless and to explore the faults that lie within the nameless. Hopefully, in examining the downfalls of the nameless's personality I will unearth the things that people dislike most about me and learn from past mistakes. In taking my personal edification and enlightenment into my own hands I will become the kind of adult my grandmother will be proud of.

That being said, I would also hope that those of you who decide that my blog is worth reading will encourage me and yourselves to be better people. In all seriousness I will try my best to make this blog as entertaining yet educational as possible. Thank you for your time and remember to always give yourself a chance to respond honestly after careful consideration.